Sitting with feelings

Llangunllo near Knighton, Wales. 2016

​I recently watched the actress Uma Thurman give a very mindful response to a sensitive question that clearly took her by surprise. Her ability to pause and just observe herself before responding, was inspiring and highly commendable. Sometimes sitting for a brief moment with our feelings can stop us making an unnecessary and impulsive reaction.

This requires a degree of emotional intelligence and mindfulness.

Uma's ability to pause frequently and observe her words before they left her mouth was extraordinary. It was the perfect example of emotional intelligence, where something has truly upset you but you don’t lash out with your first response which is most often anger. Instead, you are aware that every word you speak or action you take will have a consequence down the line. So she pauses frequently, she even grits her teeth to stop those afflicting words escaping.

Emotional intelligence and mindfulness both give the same result, in allowing you to be present and considerate to that moment, to yourself and to others. They both allow you to accept and view your feelings to guide your behaviour and thinking. Since the present creates the future, your actions today will give rise to your tomorrow.

Everything you give out returns to you, a universal law that binds us to our actions and words. When we lessen the actions and words and ‘just be’, then we are less attached to the outcomes of each moment, giving a sense of freedom of consequence, and thus mindfulness. This is an intelligence which is deeper than just the emotions, delving deeper into our psyche and spirit.

The simple pause we take is the tool that allows us to sit with our feelings for just a moment. The pause we take between breaths is so natural we don’t realise we do it, but when we stop doing it we can hyperventilate resulting in an undesirable outcome. When we breathe in, pause and exhale fully, we find ourselves calming our body and mind and at the same time we feel more alive. This awareness of the three part breath in mindful breathing is akin to the pause we take using our emotional intelligence to respond to a situation. A considered approach to living in a perfect [and seemingly imperfect] moment. The retention of breath in yoga is a powerful method of affecting our internal systems when taught and practiced properly. The pause to think before responding equally has a positive effect on our internal systems by helping avoid a stress hormone surge.

I have been practicing ‘the pause’ for some time now, and there are still some overwhelming moments where I forget to do it and the consequences are nothing short of disastrous. It is difficult, but all I can do is keep trying, keep practicing, keep noticing where I am and how I am feeling.

During my pause I will see the path that is most compassionate to the situation or the person to whom I’m responding. It is in this tiny pause there is silence and true understanding of what is occurring, and it is not always easy to tune into this. When the pause finishes, the mind chatter takes over and tells me that that course of action may be compassionate to the recipient but is not compassionate to myself. The selfish streak arises. Then the battle ensues between the ego and the mind intelligence. I know what I should not say, and I know what I want to say. The desire is the ‘want’, and once desire rules over compassion then the situation escalates.

If I am able to remove myself from being in the situation for some time then I need to make great effort to not allow an internal dialogue take away my emotional intelligence. It’s a constant circle of reminding myself and re-reminding myself that I need to be calm and patient or just walk away. Practice is the key to success in every aspect of life, and for me, sitting on my meditation cushion is the best way to reassess and be comfortable with my feelings. A calm time to witness the thoughts and not influence them but let them slowly move away. Each of us will find our own method for doing this and it will come naturally. It is very likely you already have a method but may have not noticed.

I recommend taking a pause right now, and for a few seconds just enjoy saying or thinking nothing.